May 2018 Playlist


Everyone goes through things and everyone has their own personal demons. Some people have to conquer their own every day. Some people go through long stretches of time where they realize, “Hey, I haven’t even thought about doing that in a long time,” when it was something they struggled with minute by minute at another point in their life. Those moments make you feel proud of yourself. Hey, I did it! I overcame! Look at me!

So when you backslide, it’s frustrating. On top of your demons that feel like they’re winning at the moment, now you have this overwhelming guilt that you let them. That you’ve been laying in bed for five hours in the middle of the day, unable to get yourself to pick up a book or a pen or even put on a movie on Netflix. That you let your mind go to all the ugly places it’s comfortable going. And that your stubborn ass can’t pick up the phone and just text someone and say, “Hey, can you pray for me? I’m not doing so great tonight.” You just want to be fine. Normal.

Yesterday, I was reading an essay by Karen Mahoney from the book Life Inside My Mind: 31 Authors Share Their Personal Struggles (which is amazing btw) and at the end, she says, “So rock your weirdness. Fly your freak flag. Be yourself, no matter what your flavor of mental illness. Who cares about normal?” I literally said out loud, “Yeah, right. I’d give fucking anything to be normal.” But I’m not and I need to learn to be okay with that again. But I also not need to be okay with the dark places my mind goes either.

So this month’s playlist was all about music that made me feel. That’s not to say that it’s all happy music, because it’s not. It’s music that’s moved me somehow, old favorites that are comfortable and familiar, total jams that I rediscovered, tunes that make my pen fly across the page with I write, and, yes, made me put my face in hands and cry as my heart broke. It’s random. It’s erratic. It’s nerdy and sad and confusing. It’s a lot of things that don’t really make sense.

It’s me.

  1. “Wasted Time” Overstreet
  2. “Love Is Madness” Thirty Seconds to Mars feat. Halsey
  3. “Opening” Howard McGillin, Vanessa Hudgens & Gigi New Broadway Cast Ensemble
  4. “Perfect” Ed Sheeran
  5. “Only The Good Die Young” Billy Joel
  6. “Comes And Goes (In Waves)” Greg Laswell
  7. “Every Breath You Take” Police
  8. “One Last Hope” Danny DeVito
  9. “Down in Flames” Ella Vos
  10. “Too Late” M83
  11. “You Are The Best Thing” Ray LaMontagne
  12. “Fast Car” Tracy Chapman
  13. “Tiny Dancer” Elton John
  14. “Maybe It’s Because I Love You Too Much” Keira Knightley
  15. “Dancing on My Own” Calum Scott
  16. “What Makes You Beautiful” Luke Friend
  17. “Girl Crush” Harry Styles
  18. “Wild World” Mike Bailey, Nicholas Hoult, Malcolm Titley and Joe Dempsie
  19. “And I Love Her” The Beatles
  20. “Fever Dog” Stillwater
  21. “Video Games” John Mayer
  22. “Turn Back Time” Aqua
  23. “Stand By Me” Ben E. King
  24. “I Want You To Want Me (Live) ” Cheap Trick
  25. “A Different Kind of Pain” Cold
  26. “Johnny B. Goode” Chuck Berry
  27. “I’m Like A Lawyer With The Way I’m Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You)” Fall Out Boy
  28. “Barracuda” Heart
  29. “Lips of an Angel” Hinder
  30. “Please Be Mine” Jonas Brothers
  31. “Just the Way You Are” Billy Joel