Cream Cheek and Lip Tint – Illuminate by Ashley Tisdale in “Red Velvet”
I started with one and couldn’t stop. I love these lip glosses because they’re high quality but a good price. I’m an Ashley Tisdale fan anyway so I started off by buying “Skinny Dipping” (still my favorite) just to see if it was any good (it was) and then just went ahead and bought all the colors that were easy for me to get. These colors (“Aloha,” “Bonfire,” “Coral Reef,” “Hibiscus,” “Skinny Dipping,” And “Tan Lines”) can be purchased at Target or Ulta, or there’s these and more colors on the Illuminate website. I have some of the shadow pallets and lip/cheek creams so maybe I’ll do a post on them later on, but they also have false lashes, makeup brushes, bronzer, and shimmers, which I’d love to try once the ol’ bank account let’s me (the Illuminate website only offers free shipping if you spend $50, which isn’t exactly in the budget at the moment). But in the meantime, I’m enjoying these and so do other people that borrow them.
After promising that I would not do any posts about going to the gym, here I am lying and doing a post about the gym. But this isn’t one of those, HEY LOOK. I DID IT AND I’M SO PROUD OF MYSELF. It’s the opposite actually.
I mean, I did do it. Since signing up on the 10th, my roommate and I have gone almost every day. I think we’ve skipped only two days. The first was because her mom came to town and took us to dinner, which we then decided to go at 7 AM the next morning to get it in so she could go out with her boyfriend and mom that night and neither of us would miss another workout (I have terrible insomnia so I didn’t fall asleep until 4 AM and was a bear the next day). The second day we skipped was a Sunday because Sunday is my day off from everything – I don’t do anything work related and I added working out to that.
Anyway. It’s only been a week and every day I go, I’ve been able to do a little more, whether it’s going a little faster on the elliptical or putting the treadmill on a higher incline. Every trip, I sweat more, but not finding myself wanting to curl at the base of those garishly purple machine and cry. I see the number of calories I’m burning on the machine go higher every trip. Today, it was almost 400.
But instead of being proud of my progress, at the scorched calories that otherwise would still be sitting on my bottom somewhere, at not feeling ready to pass out or being angry that my face is on fire, I start doing what every plus size woman is guilty of at some point in their life (or a lot of points in my case).
I start comparing myself.
My eyes creep over to my roommate’s dashboard. She’s at a higher incline. She’s doing a higher speed. She’s already burned more calories than me and she started ten minutes after I did. She’s pumping her legs faster on the elliptical. She’s running on the treadmill now. People are going to look at us and think, ‘Of course the fat friend is going slow, that’s why she looks the way she looks and her gorgeous friend is in good shape.’ How does her ponytail even look cute while mine looks like I’m just a lazy and gross uggo that doesn’t even know how to do her own hair . . .
And on. And on. And on.
I was totally self aware that I was doing it, and I tried to be reasonable. My roommate weighs at least 50 pounds less than I do. It’s harder to go faster when you have more weight strapped to your body. I tried to tell myself how well I was doing, especially tonight. No one was watching me and thinking anything because they’re focused on their own thing. It doesn’t matter how much she’s doing and how much I’m doing. We’re different people. We’re at different stages. We both did well that night.
It’s easier to tell yourself that. It’s harder to believe it. Sometimes I do. Sometimes we’ll go and I’ll believe it. Sometimes we’ll go and I’ll feel those voices that have haunted me for years telling me how ugly and fat and not good enough I am.
I think my point in all this is this. Sometimes even when you accomplish something you’ve never accomplished before, you’re not always going to feel successful. But it doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
I’m not going to tell you not to give up and to keep going. You know it. You’ve heard it from closer sources than me. Tell yourself that. Sometimes, you’re not going to listen.
But then maybe one day, you will.
Is that not the most generic new year blog post? Oh well.
2017 was a big year for me. I finally moved out of my parents house for the first time, which was a huge adjustment. I was never clingy to my parents, not even as a child, but I also never even had the baby steps of leaving home because I didn’t go to college. On top of that, I had never lived outside of Massachusetts and so, even though I didn’t go far, it was all still a lot of new. I started a new job, working from home, which is both great and terrible all at once. I love the freedom of making my own schedule and can’t imagine any differently now, but I don’t love that you’re not guaranteed a paycheck.
I was never one for making new year’s resolutions, but maybe starting a new year in a new place has got me looking into working more on the things I want to improve. For starters, like so many others, my roommate and I made the decision to start going to the gym. One of the downsides of working at home is not moving much, and the result has been me gaining more weight. I’ve always been bigger, of course, but everyone has that level of weight they reach where they don’t even feel like they’re themselves anymore and that’s where I’m at. Plus, there’s never anything wrong with being healthy. Although with this vow to work out more, I am also making a resolution not to be that person that posts every workout on social media, looking for a pat on the back. I find that in most cases, it just makes people feel bad they’re not doing the same.
Other things are working to get better with my finances, but at the same time taking more time to travel and see all my friends dispersed throughout the US. My writing is another one. I majorly slacked off last year in my hunt to find an agent to represent my work, only sending out one inquiry. I have a project in mind that I can do independently for one of my works, but as for the rest, 2018 is the year I want to be able to say I tried my hardest to get my writing out there.
Speaking of writing, let’s talk about this blog. If you’re on my main page, you may have noticed I changed the tagline from “fashion when one size doesn’t fit all” to simply “when one size doesn’t fit all.” Let’s face it. I updated more on my playlists than I did my clothing. A lot of that had to do with being insecure about the way my body has changed recently and not wanting to take photos of myself and a lot had to do with not being financially in a place to buy new pieces to put together new outfits. While I could have just marked the blog as a failed attempt, I wasn’t ready for that because the fact is that I love working on this blog. While putting my blog in a box of being a plus sized fashion blog might gain me more exposure in a niche, I’ve never been one for boxes. I’m the woman whose iPod switches from Rise Against to Hanson, then to Social Distortion to Underoath, and then back to The Little Mermaid soundtrack followed by a Backstreet Boys jam. I’m the woman who sports black nailpolish and bat coats and owns a pair of vampire teeth, but doesn’t celebrate Halloween and hates horror movies. I read the Bible every day, but I swear more than anyone I know. I’ve never fit in, period. It would make sense that my blog can’t fit into one category either. It’s as complex as me.
So while I’ll still be doing posts about fashion and accessories, I’m going to feel less guilty about those playlist posts. There will be posts about makeup and movies. I want to talk about my writing, the recipes I try (and fail) to make, books, television shows, etc. Maybe some will be deep, maybe they won’t. I don’t want to use the term “lifestyle blog,” because that brings to mind perfect images of latte art and rose gold geometric vases of succulents, both of which aren’t me (but you will find in my house, thanks to my roommate). We’re just gonna see what happens this year. And if it’s another failed attempt, that’s okay. As long as I had fun.
All right, so let’s get to my Top Tens of 2017. Nothing is a particular order because, no.
TV: This was the hardest list to narrow down because I watched a lot of good TV this year. Shows that returned after being off the air for so long, shows that stepped it up this season. On top of that, SO MANY OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS ENDED. Three that didn’t make the list, but I wanted to mention were Powerless and Making History, both of which were funny had a lot of potential, and Too Close to Home, which was admittedly terrible, but heck yes, I’m here for a show starring Brock O’Hurn chopping wood and taking care of his ailing father.
Movies: This list was also hard, but for a different reason. It made me realize how little movies released in 2017 I saw and liked. In any other context, I wouldn’t even mention some of these films, but at the end of the day, I needed enough to make 10. Short films that get a special mention are Team Thor: Part 2 and Red Nose Day Actually.
Music Videos: I had to put my bias of liking the song aside and just went with if I actually liked the video or not, because there were definitely some videos that came out for some AMAZING songs this year, but the video wasn’t for me.
Music: I separated this into songs and albums/EPs. All the songs on the list are ones not featured on any of the albums/EPs listed.
Books: Erm. Okay, so apparently, I didn’t even read 10 books that were published in 2017. So I’ll just list the six that I did, though keep in mind, I don’t recommend all of them. Note to self: add this to resolution list . . .
You Have No F**king Idea: The Naked Truth About My Life – Matt Baier
Hotel Transylvania: Kakieland Katastrophe – Stefan Petrucha, James Silvani
Misadventures of a City Girl – Meredith Wild, Chelle Bliss
Anastasia Beverly Hills lip gloss in “Bordeaux”