“To [2018]: F*ck you!”

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This is paraphrasing a quote my dad said one new year’s a couple of years ago, but I think it’s fitting for 2018. It was a hard year. I moved back home. My brother, who is also one of my best friends, moved halfway across the country. I had some knockdown, drag-outs with my depression. I experienced two deaths of two different people that I once had strong relationships with and no longer did anymore.

But even in those hard times, I found things to be grateful for. I had a home to go back to when things were hard for me. I have a brother I’m close to and I got to go on a cool road trip with him, which led to me finally spending some quality time with my friend, Kate, down in Texas. After those bouts of severe depression, I’m still here and can recognize that I cope with them better than I did when I was younger. The deaths are harder to find things to be grateful about, but I can say that I’m grateful my grandfather came to a peaceful end of a long life and that I got to hear from Josh the day before he left this life.

I worked on myself a lot this year. I finally started sending my writing out to agencies again. Even though that’s led to a lot of rejection letters, it’s still a sign that I’m trying. I started going to the gym and can actually say now that I consistently go six days a week. I made the decision to go on Weight Watchers and lost 22 pounds so far. More than that, I recognize that neither of these moves for my health are quick fixes I can quit someday when I reach a certain size or scale number. Some people have problems with alcohol or smoking. I have problems with food, both eating too much and not eating enough and I need to treat it like an addiction that I’ll have to pay attention to for the rest of my life. I accrued a large amount of debt when I moved out last year and now that I’m home, I’m on a plan to get that taken care of.

I also started just going out and doing things on my own. That’s a hard thing to write. It sounds empowering, but to me, it sounds lonely. And it is. I do a lot of my life alone. All my friends live very far away and now so does my only sibling. I don’t have a romantic partner and never have. So for a long time, things like going shopping or to lunch or to a movie were just activities I thought I couldn’t do because they’re considered things to do with friends and family. I made excuses not to do them. I stopped doing that in 2018. If there was a movie I wanted to see, I went and saw it. It’s only playing on the Cape? That’s okay. I’ll see what cafes are around there and go see it. 2018 showed me that you never know when you’re going. You can’t always wait for another person. We’re social beings and I truly believe people are better with other people. But sometimes, it’s out of your control and you just need to take the 10 bucks and go see that dumb indie movie that’s playing an hour away because, yup, you just want to see that one scene with the hot actor from that vampire show.

All right, enough heavy. Let’s go onto my picks for favorite movies/books/shows/music of 2018 (in no particular order).

Music

  • “Love Is Madness” 30 Seconds to Mars featuring Halsey – This whole album was excellent, but this song was my favorite
  • “Hey Hey” Joshua & The Holy Rollers – I promise I’m not even biased because this is Hanson’s little brother. It’s just a damn good song.
  • “So Will I” Hillsong Worship
  • “Who You Say I Am” Hillsong Worship – Again, this whole album is good, but this one and the song listed above are my favs
  • “Nunca” David Hidalgo & Los Refugio Tiernos – I was very disappointed with the Mayans MC show and stopped watching, but the theme song is excellent.
  • “We’ve Got Tonight” Chord Overstreet – Now I am biased.
  • “Dancing On My Own” Calum Scott – This is definitely my favorite song this year. It made me cry. I still listen to it every time I get in the car. Just so good.
  • “Born Again” Austin French – Just a good jam.
  • “Everything Is Fine” All Time Low – I love everything this band puts out and they put out two songs this year. Honestly, I love them both and had a hard time which one to pick.
  • String Theory Hanson – A selection of Hanson songs with a full orchestra. It’s hard to get me to like Hanson more, but the boys managed to do it.

TV

  • Tell Me A Story – A twist on the dark fairy tales set in modern times. Two complaints about this show though: It’s a bitch to watch because who the f*ck actually pays for CBS Access? And I was promised Austin Butler in this show and he was not in it -_-
  • The end of The Originals – I was sad to see it go and a lot of the characters go with it, but I’m also satisfied with it.
  • Legacies –¬† I’m definitely enjoying The Vampire Diaries and Originals spinoff, especially when I get to see some old favorite characters pop up. My mom actually started watching this one too.
  • “Joseph Vittori” episode from Medal of Honor – I watched this one episode from the Netflix series because I love Steven R. McQueen and he starred in it. It’s a documentary series on all different people that have received the Medal of Honor, with their stories told by historians, eyewitnesses and then reenacted by good actors. I never knew the story of Joseph Vittori, who’s from my home state of Massachusetts, but it was so amazing and made me emotional.
  • Hocus Pocus 25th Anniversary Halloween Bash – I enjoyed every second of this tribute to my favorite Halloween movie.
  • Castle Rock – I’ve only read two Stephen King books, so I’m sure I missed all the references this show made, but the plot was interesting and I really enjoyed it, even if the ending confused the hell out of me.
  • So You Think You Can Dance – I started watching this once Vanessa Hudgens became a judge, but I got very into it this season. I know shit about dance, but I think the right person won. Still, I have no shame in saying I was HERE for the Slavik and Genessy chemistry and am thrilled beyond what is healthy that they’re now dating irl.
  • Deep State – Okay, this one is pure Joe Dempsie love. The plot goes right over my head.
  • The end of Once Upon A Time – I’m glad they finally put this show to rest. I love that I got some Nathan Parsons in the last season, but it should have ended the previous season. Still, it was a fitting ending finally.
  • Roseanne – This one is hard. I loved that they brought this show back. It was hilarious and had SO much potential. I loved that they showed both sides of a lot of issues because so much of the media is one-sided. But obviously it was pulled and I understand. They spun the show off, but it’s just not the same.

Movies

No real explanations for these. Just some movies I enjoyed this year ūüôā

  • Been So Long
  • Bad Times at the El Royale
  • Colette
  • A Simple Favor
  • Dark River
  • Deadpool 2
  • Avengers: Infinity War
  • Dude
  • Black Panther
  • 12 Strong

Shorts

Normally, I have a music video section, but there weren’t enough I wanted to note, so this very short list is both shorts and music videos I enjoyed this year.

  • “Lay With Me” Phantoms & Vanessa Hudgens
  • “Better With You” Jesse McCartney
  • Shrimp
  • Tourism Australia

Books

  • Circe Madeline Miller
  • The Thorn Necklace: Healing Through Writing and the Creative Process Francesca Lia Block
  • Life Inside My Mind: 31 Authors Share Their Personal Struggles
  • The Byline Bible: Get Published in Five Weeks Susan Shapiro
  • D-Day: The World War II Invasion That Changed History Deborah Hopkinson
  • Engineering for Cats: Improve the Life of Your Pet Through 10 Ingenious Projects Mac Delaney
  • Hidden Figures: The True Story of Four Black Women and the Space Race Margot Lee Shutterly, Winifred Conkling, illustrated by Laura Freeman
  • Red Sparrow Jason Matthews
  • The Secret Life of Cows Rosamund Young
  • The Duchess: Camilla Parker Bowles and the Love Affair That Rocked The Crown Penny Juror

Grandpa’s Clothes

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written by me, age 10

“Did Mom take those trash bags out of your backseat?” my Dad asked as I looked for my keys to go to the gym today.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Did she?” I had come outside a few days ago to see three massive black trash bags filling the back seat of my car. I kept meaning to ask my parents what the hell they were, but every time I got home from the gym/errands/sneaky Dunks run I forgot to ask, more concerned about the possible flat tire I might have and getting out of my sweaty Star Wars leggings.

“That’s what I’m wondering. Are they still there?”

“They were yesterday. If she took them out today, I have no idea.”

My dad just nodded.

“What are they anyway?”

“My dad’s clothes. Mom was gonna do something with them.”

My eyebrows went up as I stared at him a moment. “So I’ve been driving around the past week with my dead grandfather’s wardrobe in my backseat?”

My dad smiled a little. “Yes, you have.”

 

I knew the day was coming and probably soon. Up until Saturday, I was 32 years old, had five grandparents and all of them were still alive. Most of my friends had lost at least one, some all of them. So when my grandfather died this week on his 87th birthday, I wasn’t shocked. But death always takes you by surprise anyway.

When I was born, my parents and I lived with my grandparents and my two great-grandmothers. Living with my grandfather that first year of my life probably made me more comfortable around him as a kid. He had dentures and I thought it was hilarious to reach into his mouth and pull them out. I don’t know what’s weirder: that I did that or that he let me.

His greeting to me was never just a hug and a kiss. It was a sneaky smile with his hands up like he was creeping up with his attack hug. He loved bread and butter (on Italian bread, of course) and he always gave me as many slices as I asked for (I’ll blame him for that particular carb love). He didn’t ask me questions I hate/d to answer. Not how school was going or what I did for work now. He didn’t try to think of things to say to me just to get me talking. He was fine if I didn’t want to say anything but he listened if I did.

I remember sitting with him once on my aunt’s back porch as my cousins ran around the yard, just talking about whatever a six-year-old talks about with her grandfather. We got on the subject of being old.

“You won’t see me when I’m an old woman,” I said.

“Nope,” he said. “I’ll be in Heaven.”

Toward the end of his life, I didn’t see my grandfather as much. I think the last time was at my cousin’s wedding. I don’t remember talking to him. Nothing sticks out from the event. Maybe that should be unsettling to me, but I’m at peace with it. There aren’t enough memories of the end of his life to overshadow the memories I have of him when he was “one of my favorite relatives.” That’s the way I want it.

I came out of the gym today and looked at those bags of clothes. I thought about opening them up and looking at them. Instead, I just touched the outside. I could feel the outline of the stacks of fabric and it felt as real as if they were on a person. On him.

And then I drove home, talking to myself, drinking my latte and blaring Hanson from the stereo.

So that’s going to be my last memory with my grandfather. Driving around with pieces of him in my back seat, while I went on being nothing but myself.

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Buffalo Chicken Wontons

Anyone that knows me knows that I’m an extremely picky eater. Most people also know that I hate to cook. I’m not good at it, almost everything I make ends up burnt or undercooked (sometimes both; I’m just that talented), I don’t have the patience for it, I don’t like the mess or the cleanup or standing in front of a hot oven/stove/anything. So the combination of being a picky eater and being a terrible cook results in a lot of take-out or things I can shove in a microwave.

It’s an awful combination that forms bad eating habits. Recently, I joined Weight Watchers (or WW, as they’re trying to rebrand themselves). I’ve been on it for about a month and a half and lost 14 pounds so far. I haven’t had to give up all the foods I like, it’s just making sure that I don’t eat as much of them, especially one after the other. It’s meant eating a lot of chicken breast (it’s zero points) and to find things I can actually make for myself.

Behold the buffalo chicken wontons. This is a dish I used to order all the time at a diner called Stars whenever I would visit my friend. Theirs are fried. However, while browsing recipes on the WW app, I saw a wonton recipe, only baked instead of fried. Theirs were stuffed with pork and shrimp and a medley of other things I wouldn’t have found appetizing. So I decided to combine the two ideas and now, it’s one of my favorite meals. And it’s only two points for four wontons! (5 points if you eat eight like I do >.>)

Ingredients

  • wonton wrappers (I use Frieda’s Wonton Wrappers, which I found in the produce section of Walmart)
  • buffalo wing sauce (I use Sweet Baby Ray’s)
  • chicken breast
  • cooking spray
  • (optional) ranch/bleu cheese dressing

Chicken

If you have your own way of making shredded buffalo chicken, by all means. This is just how I do it.

  1. Pour buffalo sauce into slow cooker, enough to coat the bottom.
  2. Put chicken breast in. One good-sized breast is probably enough for eight wontons, but I always make two. I like the leftovers (my good friend Lara has lots of buffalo chicken dishes over at The Picky Gourmet) or the option to make more wontons, which I always end up doing because my family usually ends up grabbing some, even though they say they don’t want any.
  3. Add more buffalo sauce to cover breasts.
  4. Cook on low for 4-5 hours or on high for 2 hours.
  5. When done, remove breasts and shred the chicken with two forks. The chicken should shred and fall apart easily.
  6. To add more buffalo flavor, spoon out some of the buffalo sauce from the slow cooker and mix into your shredded chicken. Keep adding large spoonfuls until it has the taste and consistency you want.

Wontons

  1. Preheat oven to 400¬į.
  2. Lightly spray cookie sheet with cooking spray.
  3. Lay out wonton wrappers on cookie sheet.
  4. Spoon out buffalo chicken mixture onto center of wonton wrappers, leaving room around the edges. The more you use, the harder it is to fold over, but they are more delicious with more filling.
  5. Optional: For extra flavor, add more buffalo sauce or even a little ranch or bleu cheese dressing. Just note that adding dressing will cause the calories or WW points to increase. If you’re not watching that sort of thing though and this sounds good to you, go for it!
  6. Wet the edges of the wonton wrappers. You can use water, but I like to use a little bit of buffalo sauce to add more flavor.
  7. Fold over the wrappers so they’re in the shape of a triangle and pinch the edges together so they stick together. You may have to pick them up off the sheet to do this. I usually have to.
  8. Spray the top of the wontons LIGHTLY with the cooking spray.
  9. Put in oven for 6 to 10 minutes, turning halfway through. The directions on the WW app says six minutes and to keep adding time if they’re not crispy enough. I find that just putting them in for ten works best for me, but your oven could vary.
  10. Take them out and put them on a cool plate, like my new wolf/bat one I got from Walmart. Eat them on their own or have a dipping sauce you like paired with it.

Disney Villain Pumpkins ūüéÉ

Recently I went back up to New Hampshire to go visit with my roommate. One of the places I wanted to visit was the farm that wasn’t too far from our house, Tendercrop Farms. They make their own soda and carried my favorite butter mints in their general store. But around the Halloween season they also have a giant corn maze and sell lots of pumpkins. My friend and I got completely lost in the corn maze and took an emergency exit to get out.

But we also bought pumpkins to paint. I saw the Maleficent one done on social media, but then I also had the idea to paint one as the poison apple from Snow White.

I used white pumpkins for both of these as it make the colors stand out more and I wouldn’t have to do so many coats. The Maleficent one uses three colors: mint green, lavender and black and I just painted like so. As for her horns, these are pumpkin stems. Try to find ones that are curvy and pointed and then paint them black. I tried hot gluing them to the pumpkin, but they kept falling off at the slightest touch. When I got home, I used super glue and that stuck much better.

For the Apple, I found a pumpkin that was a bit narrower at the top, broke off the stem and flipped it upside down. For the Apple colors, I mixed bright red with just a touch of black and painted the whole pumpkin, making sure it was streaky and those brush strokes showed so it looked like a real apple. For the poison skull drippings, I took white with just a touch of the mint green from Maleficent and painted on the poison, leaving holes for the eye sockets and nose. The red was still wet, but that was perfect, as it mixed with the white and gave the poison a more translucent, ghostly look.

Are you into decorating pumpkins? Carving? Painting? Share your creations!

September 2018 Playlist

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  1. “Love Is An Open Door”¬†Kristen Bell, Santino Fontana
  2. “The Letter”¬†Vanessa Hudgens
  3. “Pet Sematary”¬†Ramones
  4. “Animal Friends/With a Smile and a Song”¬†Adriana Caselotti
  5. “Streets Of Gold”¬†Ruth Pointer
  6. “Stand Out”¬†Tevin Campbell
  7. “Hey Hey”¬†Joshua & The Holy Rollers
  8. “Can’t Get Enough” Bad Company
  9. “Rock Steady” Bad Company
  10. “Ready For Love” Bad Company
  11. “Don’t Let Me Down” Bad Company
  12. “Bad Company”¬†Bad Company
  13. “The Way I Choose” Bad Company
  14. “Movin’ On” Bad Company
  15. “Seagull” Bad Company
  16. “Before You Called Me Baby”¬†Caitlyn Smith
  17. “Made Of Gold”¬†Craig Wedren & Matt Novack with Jasmine Cephas Jones
  18. “Lost Stars”¬†Adam Levine
  19. “Tell Me If You Wanna Go Home”¬†Keira Knightley
  20. “Nunca”¬†David Hidalgo & Los Refugio Tiernos
  21. “Honor to Us All”¬†Lea Salonga, Marni Nixon, Beth Fowler, Chorus
  22. “I See the Light”¬†Mandy Moore, Zachary Levi
  23. “What A Dog!/He’s A Tramp”¬†Peggy Lee
  24. “Following The Leader”¬†Bobby Driscoll, Paul Collins
  25. “Pay Attention/In A World Of My Own”¬†Kathryn Beaumont
  26. “Dig A Little Deeper”¬†Jenifer Lewis Feat. The Pinnacle Gospel Choir
  27. “Lay With Me” Phantoms feat. Vanessa Hudgens
  28. “We’ve Got Tonight” Chord Overstreet
  29. “Zero To Hero”¬†Lillias White, LaChanze, Roz Ryan, Cheryl Freeman, Vaneese Thomas, Tawatha Agee, Chorus – Hercules
  30. “No Longer An Elephant/Dumbo’s Sadness/A Visit in the Night/Baby Mine”

Mwah! My Lippie Collection

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I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup until I was eighteen.

My parents were overprotective when I was growing up, especially when I became a teenager and they regret a lot of the rules they enforced. I’m not sure if not letting me wear makeup was one of them, but it should be. I think teenagers need to experiment with makeup if they want to, with the understanding that it’s not something they need to be beautiful. They need to wear too much and get those crappy lines on their lids and get out all those mistakes early so they’re not the floundering adult that I was without any idea what I was doing. For a long time, I actually insisted that I didn’t like makeup, but I think that was more to make myself feel better that I wasn’t wearing it.

When I started, it was strictly eyeliner on my waterline. Then I added in eyeshadow and mascara. Lips, though, that was the last thing I got into. With my eyes, I was willing to go any color, any liner. But I thought any bold lip color made me look like some sort of weird doll and I stuck with chapsticks. Slowly, slowly, I started getting a little more courageous, trying out darker berry shades and reds. Now I’m up for anything.

Which is how this mess happened. I’m actually very diligent about throwing out old makeup. I keep a log book when I buy makeup and write down the month I’m supposed to toss it. The first of every month, I go through the notebook and throw out everything that’s gone bad. But even after a clean out, I still have this sort of pile on my hands. How do I acquire so much? That’s for another blog post in the works on how to build your makeup collection without breaking the bank.

But for now, we’re here for the lips.

Urban Decay

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gloss – “Goldmine” “SPL” “Naked” Yes, that first one is a gold lip gloss that comes out just as sparkly as it looks. The other two are a little tamer. I generally like the UD packaging and like the unique shape of the first gloss.

L’Oreal Paris

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lipsticks – “Blake’s Pink” “Blake’s Red” I love Blake Lively so when L’Oreal did a line with all their brand ambassadors coming out with their own shades of pink and red, I snatched these right up.

Illuminate by Ashley Tisdale

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gloss “Aloha” “Tan Lines” “Hibiscus” “Coral Reef” “Bonfire” I actually did a blog post on these before which you can check out here.

NYX

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gloss “Crushing It” “Eclair” Oh, yes, that first one is a holographic lipgloss! This reminds me of junior high, which should make me cringe, but I can’t help but love it.

lipstick “Shocking Pink”

Too Faced

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liquid “Queen B

plumping gloss HOLY STINGING HORNETS, BATMAN. This one is actually going in the trash because, one, it hurt like a mutherf*cker and, two, the area around my lips started to turn red.

lipstick “Teddy Berry” I think this is old and I don’t think they make it anymore, which is a shame because it’s a great color, way more subtle than it looks

Rimmel London

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lipsticks “Pink Blush” “107”

Zoella Beauty

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balm “Kissy Missy”

oil “So Soft”

As much as I love Zoella and swear by her bath and body products, her lip products just aren’t that great. The colored lip balm came out in the Tutti Frutti collection, so it’s not out anymore, but it was a garish pink you had to rub on with your finger and tasted like wax. I talked about her lip oil in a past post so I won’t repeat myself. To her credit, the clear or shimmer balms she’s come out with in her Christmas collections have been fine.

MAC

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pencil “High Energy” I love using lip pencils on my whole lip. The pigment is just really strong and sometimes they last longer than other products.

gloss “Lipglass When you want the shine but not the color or want to put it over your favorite matte.

conditioner

Bite

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lipstick “Chai” “Cashew”

crayon “Glace”

Make Up For Ever

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lipsticks “Hot Red” “Rose Wood”

Revlon

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lipsticks – “Pink Pout” “Nude Attitude” “Tutti Frutti”

lipgloss – “Sizzle”

Sephora

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liquid “Always Red”

lipsticks “Love Spell” “The Red” “M11”

gloss “Pin-Up Pink”

NARS

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lipstick – “Bette” “Orgasm

pencil “Let’s Go Crazy”

Tarte

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crayons “Latergram” “Mood Ring” “Wonder”

Randoms

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Lorac –¬† Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales lipstick and lipgloss duo “Ahoy Matey” This was a bargain buy because I’m sure not many people want a blue-gray lipstick or lipgloss but I went for it. Plus this has a little mirror on it, which is cool. And yes, I love POTC

Tanya Burr Cosmetics lipgloss “Daydream”¬†My number one favorite lip gloss AND THEY DON’T MAKE IT ANYMORE D: Every time I’ve worn this, someone asks what I’m wearing and where they can get it. I know I’ve said I’m diligent about tossing my makeup, but this one I can’t part with.

Grande Lips lip plumper Admittedly, I have pretty full lips. But this was a sample sent to me and I tried it once. Yeah, I can’t handle the stinging.

Ulta Beauty lip oil “Cranberry + Pomegranate” This one is a little more tolerable than the Zoella one, but I just don’t think lip oils work.

By Poppy Lipstick Queen “Jungle Queen”

Black Moon Cosmetics liquid lip “Mourning” This company has my favorite packaging and this is my current favorite liquid lip.

Buxom lip gloss “Dolly”

Maybelline New York Baby Lips “Peach Kiss”

Sleek Lip Star lipstick “Flaunt it”

Almay lipstick “Berry-Light”

Fresh Sugar Dream lip treatment

Clinique lipstick “Black Honey”

Kat Von D liquid lip “K-Dub” This line has my second favorite packaging. Her liquid lips are AMAZING do not come off. This one is a sample I got, but I’ve bought her full sized ones in the past in darker shades and they come out so amazing: bold and smudge proof.

Hanson chapstick I don’t use this one anymore because it’s old, but I’ll never toss it. This was an exclusive item for people that went on Hanson’s Walk Bus back in 2008, a tour bus that followed Hanson around for a week. It was one of my favorite experiences I’ve ever had.

Estee Lauder lipstick “Rich Red” This is another one that is old and should be tossed, but it was the first high-end lipstick I bought and my first red. I love how old school the case looks.

Hard Candy lipstick “Black Diamond”¬†My only black lipstick. It’s pretty cheap and when it’s time to toss it, I think I’m going to replace it with Kat Von D’s “Slayer” (highly recommended by the gorgeous Thunderella)

Smashbox liquid lip “Driver’s Seat”

Wander Beauty lipstick “Wanderberry”

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August 2018 Playlist

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There’s not much to say about August. I just wanted it to be a month of healing, to breathe and regroup. That doesn’t mean I was lazy or stayed in bed every day (though that did happen at least once). In some ways, it meant finally sorting some things out in my life that needed to be sorted. I went on Weight Watchers, which has been really helping me (down four pounds the first week thankyouverymuch). I worked on a financial plan with my dad that would both help me get out of the debt I got stuck in when I moved a year ago, but would also let me have a life again. I got my car inspected and the oil changed and all the fluids topped off so it runs like new now. I submitted a story for a contest, which is the first writing I’ve submitted to anything in about a year. And I worked, of course. But throughout, made sure to do things I enjoyed. I checked out books from the library. I binge watched a TV series. I watched a werewolf movie on the full moon. I stayed up too late writing fiction with friends. I voted for dancers in So You Think You Can Dance. I lit candles and put on my bat shaped fairy lights and ignored the voice in my head that said I was wasting the batteries. I even drove down to the Cape and ate at a cafe I never had been to before while I edited my story, and then took myself to the movies where I was literally the only person in the theater.

And during this healing and breathing and sorting, I wanted comfort music, which meant three things: Worship, Disney, and Hanson. For worship music, I went with the new Hillsong Worship album, which is excellent. For Disney, I had a random selection, mostly some of the more obscure tracks, but most of which made me smile or laugh outright. (“Oh, my dear Bartholomew. I’m afraid you’ve gone and upset me . . .”) And I actually got a new Hanson tune! Well, sort of. It’s really Mike Love’s new song (from the Beach Boys for all you kids that need to be educated), but it features Hanson. Also, had to throw a little Aretha in there because rest in peace

Huh. So maybe I did have something to say about August.

  1. “Who You Say I Am”¬†Hillsong Worship
  2. “I Never Want To Go Home Again” Vanessa Hudgens
  3. “You Are Life” Hillsong Worship
  4. “In Summer”¬†Josh Gad
  5. “The Passion” Hillsong Worship
  6. “I’m Wishing/One Song”¬†Adriana Caselotti, Harry Stockwell
  7. “The Music Lesson/Oh, Sing Sweet Nightengale/Bad Boy Lucifer/A Message From His Majesty”¬†Ilene Woods, Rhoda Williams
  8. “Be Still” Hillsong Worship
  9. “Give a Little Whistle”¬†Cliff Edwards
  10. “Remembrance” Hillsong Worship
  11. “On The Open Road”¬†Aaron Lohr, Bill Farmer
  12. “Valentine”¬†Hillsong Worship
  13. “A Guy Like You”¬†Jason Alexander, Charles Kimbrough, Mary Wickes, Mary Stout
  14. “Perfect Isn’t Easy” Bette Midler
  15. “Touch of Heaven” Hillsong Worship
  16. “Think”¬†Aretha Franklin
  17. “Lettered Love”¬†Hillsong Worship
  18. “Mother Knows Best”¬†Donna Murphy
  19. “The Lord’s Prayer”¬†Hillsong Worship
  20. “A Girl Worth Fighting For”¬†Lea Salonga, Matthew Wilder, Harvey Fierstein, Jerry Tondo, James Hong
  21. “New Wine”¬†Hillsong Worship
  22. “Whistle Stop”¬†Roger Miller
  23. “It’s OK” Mike Love feat. Hanson
  24. “So Will I”¬†Hillsong Worship
  25. “Ev’rybody Wants To Be A Cat”¬†Phil Harris, Scatman Crothers, Thurl Ravenscroft, Al Rinker, Liz English
  26. “Do You Hear That/I Wonder”¬†Mary Costa, George Bruns
  27. “If I Never Knew You”¬†Mel Gibson & Judy Kuhn
  28. “Friends On The Other Side”¬†Keith David
  29. “World’s Greatest Criminal Mind”¬†Vincent Price
  30. “A Pirate’s Life”

July 2018 Playlist

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July feels like it lasted forever. It started off difficult, for more petty reasons and then continued to get worse for more serious ones. At the very end of June, I moved back to my home state. Moving is always stressful, for anyone. On top of that, my sweet cousin gifted me her old car, so I finally have a vehicle. Which some asshat sideswiped while it was parked outside my house and took off my side mirror. And didn’t stop. Some neighbors saw the whole thing and let me know they got the license plate and rather than try to confront them myself, I called the cops to let them handle it, which they did wonderfully. Of course, this angered Miss Asshat and I woke up the morning I was supposed to be moving to find eggs smashed all over my windshield. People are lovely, really.

Something then came up with a family member, which I can’t and won’t go into, but it was definitely a stressful and emotional time for my immediate and extended family

And then, if you read my last entry, you know that an old friend of mine was killed in a car accident.

I wrote that post roughly 24 hours after I found out he died. It was one draft that I didn’t even edit. I just typed and typed until I finished it at 4:00 AM.

Since writing it, I of course went to his funeral. I generally don’t cry in front of people, mostly because I don’t like to, but I’m just one of those people that can’t cry when I watch movies or hear sad songs or read sad stories. I was once told I had no soul because Up didn’t make me cry. But I cried more at the funeral than I thought I would. Still, it was a wonderful service and a great tribute to his life, I thought. Afterwards, the burial was private and there was about an hour to spare before the mercy meal, so my friend, Jenn, and I drove to our old church. I wanted to go sit on the hill where Josh so many times dragged me to go “have a talk,” which is what the picture above is. The mercy meal was actually very therapeutic to be at. I saw so many people I hadn’t seen in a long time, from people from church to Josh’s family to people I worked with when I worked at his dad’s company. Everyone said the same thing, which was, “It’s great to see you. I just wish it was under better circumstances.” But it just felt nice to be with everyone and there was just a huge sense of love around the room. There wasn’t this dark, somber, depressing atmosphere that you usually feel at things like that. Everyone was sad, of course, but it wasn’t this oppressive feeling that just made you want to leave. I’m sure I’m not explaining it right, but bottom line: It didn’t suck to be there under the circumstances.

I’ll also say that his parents have since read the blog post, which terrified me at first and I haven’t seen them since they read it, but I’ve heard from my mom that it meant a lot to them. So I think my big takeaway from that is that you should never be afraid to express your feelings about a situation. I really struggled with that this month (hell, I really struggle with that every month). You know how when someone dies, there’s sometimes that one drama queen that acts like they were so incredibly close, when in fact, they had one conversation in their life? I was terrified that that’s how my entry would be taken, that I was making more of our relationship than it was, even though I made it clear how little we talked since our unpleasant end to our friendship as teenagers. I even struggled with the question of, “Were we even really friends? Am I just remembering it all wrong?” Even though I laid out all the facts in the blog. Even though I found old diary entries documenting going to his house and the famous “I think you’re cute” talk. Not even my parents remembered us being friends. Suddenly, I felt like a horrible person for telling the story of my relationship with Josh because he wasn’t there to tell his side of it. It felt unfair that he didn’t get to say, “No, that’s not how it happened,” if I screwed something up.

But before his parents even read the entry, the first time I saw his dad after it happened, at the mercy meal, he gave me a big hug and started telling a woman I didn’t know who I was, how he’d been my youth group leader since fifth grade. And then he said, “She and Josh were the same age and they were really good friends. And then they weren’t. And then the day before his accident, he got in touch with her.” Simple. Everything I wrote summed up just like that. But it was confirmation. Someone remembered it the same way I did. And not just any someone, but his dad. That was all I needed.

And again, there’s the comment Josh left me. My best friend, Danielle, texted me one day and said, “I really think that was a gift to you,” and I think she was right. In some ways, the comment haunts me just because it literally came the day before he died. But I think I would have been more haunted if I didn’t get it. I really think God knew that I would need that little reassurance of, “Yeah, you were friends at one point and you still crossed his mind every now and then too.”

So, playlist. Some of the tracks on here are more upbeat and seem random, as I was trying to find some tunes for a workout playlist (oh, right, I started going to the gym regularly again. I told you this month was long). Some tunes are more somber for obvious reasons. And some are Josh specific.

“How to Save a Life” by The Fray definitely got the most plays this month. I mentioned in my last blog post how after Josh and I stopped talking, I heard that song and could have sworn it was written about the end of our friendship. The day after I wrote the blog, I was driving to the gym and the song came on my iPod. As soon as the chorus kicked in with the line, “I lost a friend/Somewhere along in the bitterness,” I couldn’t stop crying as the lyrics all took on new meaning for me with his passing. It took a few more times listening to it to not cry anymore when I hear it.

“Tears In Heaven” was played at the funeral, though not the Eric Clapton version like I have here. A girl named Hayley we went to youth group with played it and it was gorgeous. So many people were literally sobbing during it. “Let It Be” was also one played at the funeral during the slideshow.

I’ve only been karaoking once in my life and it was with Josh, Jenn and Jon (Josh’s best friend at the time and Jenn’s brother). Josh and Jon sang “Gettin’ Jiggy With It,” and I have to say, they killed it. That same night, we came back to Jenn and Jon’s house and recorded a sketch on their video camera (yes, with an actual VHS tape). It was a parody of a talk show where all the guests were members of dysfunctional families. Josh played the host of “The Joshy Jones Show” and the theme song was done to the tune of “Sugar, Sugar”, with Josh singing loudly over the real chorus, “Joshy Jones Show … Ooh, Joshy Jones Show.”

When I was in sixth grade, a bunch of us from youth group formed a worship band and played two songs at church one Sunday (I was a back up singer, which I hated being called because I wanted to just be a regular singer. Josh was sang lead and played lead guitar). We played “Whom Have I But You?” and “To Him Be The Glory.”

As for “Amish Paradise,” recently someone posted it on their Tumblr and I realized the first time I ever heard that song was in Josh’s room on a home group night, so I thought I’d throw it in there.

  1. “Everything Is Fine”¬†All Time Low
  2. “Carried Away” Overstreet
  3. “D-Day” Blondie
  4. “Want To Want Me” Jason Derulo
  5. “Birthday” All Time Low
  6. “When A Man Loves A Woman”¬†Percy Sledge
  7. “The Night They Invented Champagne”¬†Vanessa Hudgens, Victoria Clark, Corey Cott & Gigi New Broadway Company
  8. “Little Dressmakers/The Work Song/Scavenger Hunt/A Dream is a Wish Your Hearts Makes/The Dress/My Beads/Escape to the Garden” Mice Chorus
  9. “We Are The Champions” Queen
  10. “A Hard Day’s Night” The Beatles
  11. “How to Save a Life” The Fray
  12. “Wish You Were Here” Pink Floyd
  13. “What Hurts The Most” Rascal Flatts
  14. “Zoe Jane” Staind
  15. “Tears In Heaven” Eric Clapton
  16. “Let It Be” Beatles
  17. “Blue”¬†ROB.GREEN
  18. “Paint it Black”¬†Rolling Stones
  19. “Help!” The Beatles
  20. “Rubberband Man”¬†Spinners
  21. “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” Will Smith
  22. “Born Again”¬†Austin French
  23. “Up Up & Away”¬†Fifth Dimension
  24. “Buzzin”¬†Mann
  25. “The Avengers Theme”¬†Alan Silvestri
  26. “Rhythm Of The Night”¬†CORONA
  27. “The Ballad of the Green Beret”¬†Barry Sadler
  28. “Sugar, Sugar” The Archies
  29. “Whom Have I But You?”¬†Vineyard Music & Brian Doerksen
  30. “To Him Be The Glory”¬†Vineyard Music & Scott Underwood
  31. “Amish Paradise”¬†Weird Al Yankovic

An Old Friend Named Josh

I debated writing this entry. Part of me feels like I don’t have a right, because as the title suggests, this is about an old friend, not a current one.¬†But the more I decided not to write it, the more it wanted to burst out of me. I think part of me needs to say it all in one place, one time, so I don’t ever have to do it again. So here we are.

There’s a picture of a bunch of us watching that He Is Risen movie in Sunday School on Easter 1996. I’m sitting next to my then frenemy and current best friend, Danielle, wearing an all denim dress and my ever present RBF. Sitting a little ways behind us is a kid in a Yankees hat, a bold choice for a kid in Massachusetts. This was Josh.

The first time I ever spoke to him, I stared at him and said, “You’re in the fourth grade?”

“Yeah,” he said.

I didn’t believe it. I was in the fourth grade. No one in my class was as tall and mature looking as this kid. That was my first impression of Josh: There’s no way you and I are the same age.

It wasn’t until next year that we actually started hanging out. His parents used to host “home group” (a weekly Bible study) at their home and my parents went. I was 11 and my brother, Spencer, was nine and they weren’t entirely comfortable leaving us home alone at night when they would be about a half hour drive away, so they brought us along and sent us upstairs to hang out with Josh. At first, I was bored. Josh and Spencer would play video games or talk about other boy stuff that I could care less about and I would end up doing homework or reading my Animorphs books. But by the time next year rolled around things were different. At church, we had the same friends and we all hung out in a big group, doing whatever normal preteens did back then, plus some things they didn’t. We went to movies and got pizza or walked around town of whoever’s house we were at, but then we were also doing a lot of outreach and volunteer work through the church.

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Halloween 1997. I’m giving a peace sign. He’s giving me bunny ears.

So not only did Josh and I hang out all day Sunday, but then every Thursday night at home group and whatever extra thing was going on that week. We got very close and I considered him one of my best friends at the time, definitely my best guy friend. We talked a lot, pretty much about everything: God, girls, guys, friends, art (he was an incredible drawer), music (he was also an incredible musician), writing (yeah, he was good at that too). He always told me I was really easy to talk to and I always looked forward to being around him.

We never liked each other more than friends. I think in the very early stages of our friendship at the ripe old age of 11, he acted a little flirty with me one night, but I thought he was just trying to annoy me at the time. And then there was one night at home group we fell into an intense talk where he got me to admit that I told my friends that I thought he was cute once. To which he said, “Well . . . I think you’re kind of cute too,” and then said, “Wow. It was really easy to tell you that.” To which I didn’t respond because it was then my dad called up that home group was over and it was time to go home. But other than that admittance of cuteness, we were never interested in each other like that.

Despite our great talks and the fact that we enjoyed each other’s company, our friendship wasn’t perfect. We were both incredibly stubborn and that definitely made us butt heads on more than one occasion. He was an only child and therefore used to getting his own way. Sometimes, he would just say to one of our friends. “Come on. We need to go talk,” and they would go without argument. He was very authoritative, which really made him a natural leader and that was normally a good thing. But if he and I got into a fight, and he came at me with the, “We’re gonna go talk,” I’d scowl at him and say, “No. I don’t want to talk to you right now.” I didn’t care that the reason he wanted to talk was so that we could fix the problem. My stubborn ass was still mad at him and didn’t want him telling me what to do. He, in turn, didn’t like the fact that I was one of the few (if not only) people that told him no. Our fighting would get intense and cruel sometimes. To this day, he holds a spot in the top three of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. (In his defense, it was in response to me telling his girlfriend at the time that she should break up with him).

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Even though we never went to the same school, he signed my 7th grade yearbook.

Everything changed when Josh and a friend of mine broke up the summer before eighth grade. We all know the only middle school relationship that made it to marriage is Cory and Topanga, but when you’re that age, it’s the BIGGEST DEAL EVER OMG. Of course all our parents were still besties, so there we were on a big old awkward camping trip together. And of course, Josh wanted to go “have a talk” with me. We went and sat on some big rock looking out at the lake that night. I can’t remember the exact conversation, except telling him that I was pissed about the way the break up went down, which he agreed was bad on his part. But he wanted to make sure he and I were still okay, that we would still be friends. I didn’t want to lose him in my life. I didn’t want anything to change. So we left the rock, both assured that everything would be fine between us.

It wasn’t.

We barely spoke the rest of the trip, much less hung out. And when we got home, nothing went back to normal. Spencer and I were old enough to stay home alone for awhile now, so Thursday night home groups weren’t a time for us to hang out. We stopped hanging out on Sundays too. There were new people he hung out with at church and it literally got to the point where if he spotted me and my friends coming, he’d get up and leave. That particular part caused me to pen a very angry email to him, accusing him of dropping our friendship even though he said he wouldn’t. I don’t remember what else I said, but I know he wrote back an equally angry email, telling me to lay off him, to stop judging him, that there was a lot going on I didn’t know about. I wrote back that that was the point. I didn’t know what was going on with him because he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. He didn’t respond.

I was angry at him for a long time. Through the rest of our teen years, we both went through our own private shit. We stopped talking completely, even though we were still going on these family vacations together every summer. I think every now and then, I had moments where I hoped this would be the vacation we would make up and be friends again. But mostly, I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and I’m 99% sure he felt the same about me.

By the time we graduated in 2004, the idea of resolving our lost friendship wasn’t even on my radar anymore. We had both moved on with our lives and were at completely different places. Our parents were still extremely close, but even though they went to parties and vacations together, we were adults and we didn’t have to come along. I think the only other time I thought about him with any sort of depth was the first time I heard the song “How To Save a Life” by The Fray. I thought the lyrics were spot on with the way I felt our friendship had ended and I’ve always attached him to that song in my mind.

I did see him briefly at his uncle’s 40th birthday party. At the time, I babysat weekly for his three cousins, but that night, my friends and I were there working as waiters and various other jobs for the party to make a little extra money. I remember at one point Josh leaning down and putting his chin on my shoulder and asking me a question about where something was, which I told him. However, I didn’t dwell too long on how comfortable he was being with me. I knew he had been drinking and besides, I was way too focused on the fact that there was a guy there I had a crush on at the time.

The next time I really saw him was when I was working at his dad’s company. He spotted me in the office and his whole face lit up. “Cailin! Hey!” I said hey back as he walked into my office. “Give me hug!” he said, coming towards me. I remember being taken aback by that because, again, the last time we had really had an actual conversation, it wasn’t pretty. But evidently he forgot about it and moved on and I decided to do the same. I worked there a year and would see him around the office every now and then, but there was really only one time we talked a little more than casual hi’s and that was when I mentioned that I was moving out of my childhood home with my parents to someplace new. He sympathized, talking about how it was hard when he moved out of his childhood home too. It was a short conversation, but it was a real one, and I remember thinking that it was still so damn easy to talk to him.

I only saw him here and there over the next ten years. I saw his parents all the time, since they were still close with mine and I became his mom’s unofficial dogsitter, so I was at his parents house a lot. Sometimes Josh would come to my family’s Christmas Eve party, but even then, we didn’t say much or anything to each other.

The last time I saw him, was about two years ago. I was dogsitting for his parents while they were away. His mom texted me and told me Josh was going to come by to pick up some firewood. “I told him not to bother you though!” I think she was joking, but I’m still not sure.

Anyway, he came inside and said hey. “I’d hug you, but I’m all sweaty.”

I laughed and said that was fine. We exchanged the usual BS adult pleasantries. How are you? Where are you working now? Stuff like that you’re expected to say when you’re an adult that makes me want to bang my head against the wall because I usually just don’t care.

And then somehow we got on the subject of getting older and aging. “Yeah, the other day I found a hair coming out of the top of my nose like my dad has,” he said, cringing. “So I have that to look forward to.”

I told him him that I swore the day I turned 27, there were three new gray hairs and I just keep finding more.

We laughed for a bit and then he said he had to get going and he left. And again, I marveled about how once we got past the usual pleasantries, we were easily talking and laughing.

Again, that was two years ago. Life went on for us both with our own friends and problems and good times and bad times.

And then on Monday of this week, I got a comment from him on my latest Instagram post.

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I was totally surprised. Just the fact that he initiated contact with me out of nowhere was enough to make me double check that it was actually him that left the comment. The next thing that surprised me, was that it was an actual substantial comment. Maybe not the most well punctuated, but it’s not like he just left a thumbs up emoji or something simple. But what surprised me the most was what he actually said. He’d actually read my blog. He didn’t just see the top post and make some vague comment about it. He referenced something that I wrote well within the post, and also commented on another post I’d made more than a month before that.

I commented back and nothing more was said, but I kept thinking about the comment. I actually had the fleeting thought that maybe this was the start of something. Maybe this was a little door opening up that could maybe lead back into us talking again. Hey, it was a longshot, but the comment felt significant for some reason and this was the only reason I could think that it would be.

It was significant.

It was the last thing he ever said to me.

Tuesday night at about 12:30, I was just getting into bed when I heard a noise, music and talking. I thought maybe my cat had accidentally stepped on the remote downstairs and turned on the TV, but when I opened my door, I heard it coming from my parents room. “We’ll be there in 10 minutes,” I heard my dad say.

When he came out, fully dressed, he opened my door.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He said they were going to the Glynns. That Mrs. Glynn had just called him, totally upset.

“Josh was killed in a car accident.”

 

 

It’s all beyond my understanding. There’s always the whys. Why him? Why now? Why did his parents have to lose their only child? I’m crushed every time I think of them, his dad who was like a second father to me and his mom who is completely generous to everyone.

And it’s a weird position to be in from my standpoint. There’s a weird part of me that feels like I don’t have a right to grieve because he and I weren’t friends anymore and there are so many people that still were, that had even closer relationships with him. It almost feels like I’ve been grieving the loss of our friendship for a long time and felt that I had come to peace with it some time ago. With him suddenly initiating contact, it feels like now I’m grieving the potential that was lost from that.

But then, the fact that I heard from him so recently, that he reached out to me the day before he died, weirdly gave me closure after the fact. It’s not a huge comment. It’s about six lines, give or take what device you’re reading it on. And maybe I’m reading way too much into it because he’s gone now and I have an overactive imagination.

But I like the fact that the last exchange we had wasn’t in the kitchen where we were (now ironically) joking about aging, where the only reason we were even talking was coincidence. I like the fact that he initiated reaching out to me. And I like that in those six lines, he somehow, though I’m sure unintentionally, managed to sum up the way we used to talk.

“I heard what you’re saying. It’s easy for me to relate. Now let’s have a laugh.”

Rest in Peace, Josh. Let’s have a talk when I get there.

ūüĆļ Zoella Splash Botanicals Review ūüĆŅ

I’ve been a fan of Zoella for a long time (not since she started though. I’m not that OG) and subsequently been a big fan of her beauty products. Her style is pretty much opposite to mine, but I like that the products themselves have always been good quality for not a ridiculous amount of money. The biggest downside to her ranges was how difficult it was to get them in the States, with FeelUnique being the only option for the earlier ranges. Now, pretty much everything is available at Ulta (though there are always those “exclusive” products that seem to only make it to UK stores, which is annoying) and what’s even better is, this time around, it was released the same day in the States as it was in the UK.

I do have mixed feelings about this range. My first impression before I even got anything was that this was my least favorite packaging she’s released. The palm leaves, especially with the the baby pink, remind me heavily of the 80s, and not in the fun, neon and black lace way. Honestly, my first thought was Blanche Deveraux’s bedroom in Golden Girls. But I got everything anyway because, hey, you can’t judge a book by its cover.

Let’s start with the bag. I love the size and even the type of the BEAUTIFUL writing, but again, not a fan of the botanical leaves. However, the zipper has a little silver leaf charm, which I do love. I think I’m just a sucker for a silver charm. I also have to say that the first week I had it, the fabric tore at the zipper and I had to have Ulta send me a new one. $14 at Ulta, and it’s only available online.

The first thing I tried was the Botanic’Eau fragranced body mist. While I don’t like the packaging of this range as a whole, I do think it works nicely for this glass bottle design. But. Guys. THE SMELL. This might be my favorite scent of the all the ranges she’s done. The scent is coconut and lychee (which is a fruit. I had to look it up) and it’s just a really fantastic summer scent that I’ve been spritzing over myself every single day. I’m in love for real. A+ to Zoe Sugg for choosing this scent for pretty much the whole range. $12.95 at Ulta.

Next, I used the Make a Splash moisturizing body wash. Same scent, so yes. Her body washes have never failed me. I like how the white in the packaging is ridged, but I’m not sure why she picked that lime green cap. $8.98 at Ulta.

After getting out of the shower, I used the Quench Me body sorbet. This is a new formula for Zoella Beauty. The smell is amazing, of course. It soaks right into your skin and it’s not super heavy, taking forever to rub in. I also like how she started doing her body lotions in these little tubs, rather than the squeeze tubes, like the body washes. $12 at Ulta.

Next I tried out the So Soft lip oil. I was excited for this because she’d never done a lip oil before. Unfortunately, this was the biggest disappointment and my least favorite product. First off, the scent is cherry, which is completely different from all the other scents in the range. It smells just like cough syrup which is an immediate turn off for me. She’s said in a video that it also tastes like cherries. It doesn’t. It has no taste. I put this on before bed, hoping to wake up with soft and hydrated lips. I didn’t. There was no difference. And then the packaging itself was just a bad design. The pink plastic tube feels really light and cheap. While the white label looks classic on the glass mist bottle, it looks tacky and cheap on the plastic tube. As a whole, the product itself looks like a prototype, something to sample before the final design was complete. The only thing I like about this is the applicator itself, but it’s not enough to save this product. $7 at Ulta.

I had to wait a bit to use the Drench Me bubbly bath soak since my tub was disgusting when I moved. But I could at least start off by saying I loved the packaging of this. The milk carton design is really cute and I think as far as the mostly white with the botanical lettering design, they should have done this for the whole range. But I digress. This makes a lovely bath with lots of bubbles and the scent is, again, fantastic. Also, I prefer the pour out mechanics of this, rather than, say, her Scooper Dooper bath soak where you sort of had to reach in the tub and try to grab a handful of liquid. $12 at Ulta.

Finally I tried the Lagoon Love bath milk. My first thought was, $4 for just a one time use product? No me gusta. But then considering I’ll drop $7 at Lush for a bath bomb (also a one time use product), this was a bargain. The packaging is just a little foil packet that you tear open and empty the powder underpinning water. It doesn’t advertise this, but this also makes a fair amount of bubbles so there’s a nice little bonus. The smell is great, makes for a nice soak, and just a cute little treat to add something extra to your bath.

Also, if you buy $15 worth of Zoella products at Ulta, they’ll send you this adorable little trio of mini products: the body wash, the body sorbet, and a little shower loofah. Perfect for travel!